kody's Journal

1:19pm: i pray for the courage
to cut my skin
deep enough to
make all my organs shut down
empty my veins
kill the life
i never wanted
i hate myself
i am unloved
dear god
do i really want to die
i want this to end
i hate everything

12:01am: sadness engulfs the black cloud over my head
i've died a thousand times
he goes back away
and i go blue

loneliness encrypts
gloom erupts
i die again
i don't really want to die
but, i've died a hundred times

children bore
life made
the techinicalities are casualties
of a child's broken heart.

6:39pm: Life for me is, looking up. At 20, I have my made mistakes. Running off to LA, was huge one. But, at 20, I still have time to finish college. I am not 22 fucking up like this. I can hardly belive I will be 21 this year. That means, what, no more milestones for a while. 21 is a biggie and I have to make this the best year of my life with no expectations.

8:39pm: ugh. my thing? mcdonalds suckssssssss. i mean, i try not to go in there with a bad attitude but thats what it seems like i guess. i am just trying to live and be me and work and its hard.

8:49pm: I am... looking on IKEA and I'm looking at a 68$ bed and I'm realizing, I am gonna be on my own. Its very scary, you know. I am finally in California. I have a job. I am dealing with it. Today I went in there and did the job and it sucks but whatever I'm gonna do it. I am gonna make my money. I am gonna get my car, I am gonna get my apartment and I am gonna be great! I finally realized that, I wanna be on my own. Its so scary but I am just at that point. I wanna work and pay my bills and my parents will be there for me when I need them. I am very exciting. I think I found a great place. My life could be changing for good. And what do I think about that? Scary, so scary. But i think I'm ready, i really do. I think. I dunno. I just wonder what its really gonna be like. c

1:18pm: life can be funny in so many ways, i have had so many knives thrown at me but, i continue to get back up and face the day. ive always felt that if someone ever hates on you or talks about you its because they are jealous. its the only logical solution, otherwise why would be make other people belive such lies. i truly belive these 'gossipers' or 'liers' will one day be punished and karma will eventually get back with them. i have so man shadows in my past that i am still sad over to this day. guys i wish i would of done things differently with, things i could of done different. but i have read that you cannot change the past, so don't dwell on it. and i belive that, though it is hard sometimes. but, above everything in this life, i belive God does everything for his reason. anything that has happend to me in this life, it is something god felt i needed to go through. sometimes i may cry or disagree but, he is the ruler almight and will guide me in the direction i am suppose to go in. sometimes it is hard, belive me. to go through these dark and hard things in life and just have to pull through it. just to be faced with these awful and daunting things and just have to survive. life can seem like a perilous journal at times, a sick joke that will never end. i wonder everyday, why i am being put through these things, what makes me deserve such things.

3:38pm: life remains the same. i quit the job and i feel bad but, damn. i am no mexican slave. so still in vermont :( going to NYC the weekend after next.

9:32pm:

4:44pm: